It's becoming increasingly apparent that the folks in charge know what to do with the plummeting economy about as much as Toby Keith knows what to do with a picture-less book. Now I'm no economist, but I seem to have picked up on an oversight; America's claim to fame, primarily, is that we have no labor, natural resources, or innovative qualities to offer anyone. For this reason, we import everything (only after we've had poor, third world nations build it all for us.) I'm assuming, however, the fucko that came up with this scheme has never been to Utah. Our country is full of states that emulate third world nations in economy, senseless violence, and the number of goat-fucking religious zealots that oppose anything resembling a useful education. So why cross an ocean when we don't have to? In order to increase production and profits (not to mention rid ourselves of the minefield of turds in the gene-pool,) I suggest we fence off and disconnect a select few states from the union. We could sell them to other third world nations and multinational corporations, or just use them for nuclear testing and their citizens for menial labor. Here's the proposed list:

Alaska: Fuck Alaska. It has nothing to offer us that Canada doesn't already have, besides more angry rednecks with guns and a "fuck you and your poor sick grandmother" approach to healthcare. Does anybody remember how they tried to have a bridge built to a remote frozen chunk of bull-shit in the Pacific because there was a landing strip there? If that qualifies as a booming metropolis, I want an Ikea in my back yard. Give me a God damned break; Alaska had their chance...they blew it with Sarah Palin and her husband (proof that eskimos aren't really a race worth meeting.)

Utah: As I mentioned earlier, Utah blows. I'm sure I've said this before, but Mormons make Gary Busey look smart...I would become a Scientologist before listening to some bull-shit asshole as he explains that, "no, we can't see the golden tablets he found because God made him throw them out after transcribing the racist dog puke they contained." God hated Joseph Smith for being such a douche-hole, and for this reason, he made sure his state was the saddest, least appealing tract of bum-fuck nowhere a human could imagine.

North and South Dakota: I really don't know all that much about these two...I'd prefer to maintain this pleasant ignorance. It's cold as fuck up there, and I'm not a bear, moose, fat person, or any other species equipped to handle such God-awful misery. We could probably sell them to Canada for use as a prison colony.

Virginia: So gun fanatics everywhere try and cleverly break down MY argument by pointing out that Washington DC has the strictest gun control laws in the nation, yet an abnormally high rate of gun violence. Theres one reason for this: DC borders Virginia, and over there, they'd probably sell a drunken pedophile having an epileptic fit a handgun. If you don't believe me, check out the store, Full Metal Jacket; Yes it's named after the movie, and yes it's just as emotionally jarring. I don't know why people remain hung-up on the bull-shit lie that West Virginia is some sort of redneck home base as opposed to it's eastern relative. During the Civil War, West Virginia seceded from Virginia in order to remain with the Union, and usually when it comes to slavery, the folks that are fighting FOR it are the rednecks. (If you're one of the jackasses who doesn't feel the civil war was really about slavery, shut the Hell up. Yes, it may have been one of the many "details" leading to the conflict, but if you were some prick's property at the time, you'd see it as a little more than a "minor" issue.

Kansas: Kansas is unique in the fact that their schoolboard seems adamantly opposed to education. Aside from this, I'm not a fan of religion, folksy bull-shit, inbreeding, racial intolerance, or rural crap of any sort. Where some might see "quaint," I see "hideous pathetic backwoods squalor," and wonder if there's a bar nearby that I can get something besides Busch and ciphalis. The answer is no.

Alabama: Worthless, fucking worthless. Lynyrd Skynyrd blows, the song "Sweet Home Alabama" blows and only pathetic, monosyllabic redneck douche-bags enjoy it. That worthless hellscape ought to be fenced off so its inhabitants can fritter away the remainder of their days shooting one another and worshipping an intolerant, minority-hating Christ.

Texas: Texas should be firebombed severely and with more vigor than was displayed in the World War II attacks on London and Dresden combined. This goes without saying...Texas IS the Thunderdome, and we can't let that remain in case of an apocalypse.

Hey Subway: Die.

Thank fucking Christ…Five Dollar Foot-longs are back at Subway. Or so say the commercials, and I’m inclined to believe everything the all-knowing television spews at me. First, I don’t care, and second, when in the Hell were they not available? They’ve been raping my brain with those God-awful commercials for what now feels like decades, and I can’t recall a point at which I wasn’t having some Asian girl or a crew of tone-deaf construction workers singing to me that, “yes, in fact, I CAN get a foot-long sub for only five dollars.”

Fuck you Subway. Your shits boring and flavorless, and your employees are stingy as shit when it comes to toppings. Not to mention you’re a bunch of douchey liars. Ever notice that when the calorie content is listed, it “excludes” in fine print cheese, sauces, and certain toppings…The thing is, when I go out from time to time, I like to treat myself to things like, say, a slice of cheese at least, and when you don’t list that as a standard feature of the sandwich, it’s called a “dick move.” Stop advertising how healthy your shit is… that’s not why I fucking go out to eat, and there’s no way I’m eating your fat-free anal leakage potato chips (no, I’m not just describing the way they taste, they CAUSE anal leakage…Shouldn’t that be fucking illegal?”

When I go to Burger King or Taco Bell, no doubt, there are a decent number of fat fuckers, but I can also find average, healthy looking people who maybe just had a craving for some fries or a nacho platter. If Subway’s patrons all looked liked Brad Pitt, I’d assume there was something highly effective about their “low-carb” menu options, but guess what? Just as many fat-asses! Probably because, no matter how inexpensive, a foot-long ham sandwich doesn’t make for a healthy mid-afternoon snack. Anyway, I’ll have nothing to do with those scheming pricks… I can get twice as much food at Taco Bell for under two dollars (and there’s nothing in this world like authentic, down-home Mexican.)

I found this in Mail Call today, and wished I had a fat ass to roll around on while I laughed…except not, because that’d be embarrassing and sad: “I am asking all restaurants here in the Hagerstown and surrounding areas to please honor cards from people who have had gastric bypass surgery. There is an increase in the number of people having this surgery, and we are given a card to show when we go to a restaurant that asks the facility to let us use the senior or children’s menu. I understand some restaurants will not honor these cards, so I am asking you to reconsider this, as after surgery, we have to really watch the amount of food we eat…” Good point, Porky. You know what else would be great? If I had a card verifying that I’m an alcoholic and restaurants should use the discretion I don’t have for me. Then, if all else fails, they could turn a blind eye when I go streaking through their parking lot, or call my ex sobbing about what an emotionally abusive bitch she is.

They call us adults for a reason; primarily, we’re expected to make our own decisions. I can’t blame anyone other than myself for mistakes like unprotected sex, alcohol poisoning, or the back tattoo of James Earl Jones that seemed so fucking cool at the time; and you can’t expect someone else to tell you what you can and can’t eat. Just put the Bloomin’ Onion down, fatty. If it’s really so difficult that you require supervision, you’re problem isn’t so much obesity, but a deeper disorder which you ought to seek therapy for. I realize people have their weaknesses, and I’m not the type to be needlessly insensitive (the funny thing is, I actually am,) but the double standard that exists here is beyond fucked up.

Take the following statements as an illustration:

A) “Hey Ted, you really need to cool it on the drinking. We think you might have a problem.”
B) “Hey Ted, you ought to quit smoking man. It’s bad on your lungs and we don’t want you getting cancer.”
C) “Hey Ted, you really need to stop being so fat. You embarrass us in public and we all had to put locks on our refrigerators.

Unlike the initial two, statement C appears to be thoughtless and insensitive. Why? Because too many whiny assholes have tried to convince us that, contrary to what my mother and health teacher have taught me, the amount and type of food we eat doesn’t correlate directly to the size of our waistlines. Of course it doesn’t, dip-shit; just as when my liver finally dies, I won’t have a fucking clue what could have caused that either.

Now I don’t give a shit if you’re a lard-ass…In fact I’ve got friends of all shapes and sizes; My problem involves self-pitying douche-bags who can’t get over their own hurdles, so instead focus on the problems of others. Overeating is a problem, but really no more or less than smoking, drinking, pill popping, unsafe sexual practices, or kleptomania. One third of the US population is either overweight or obese, and only three percent of Americans have a thyroid condition. This leads me to believe that out of every thirty fat people who tell me they can’t help it, three are telling the truth.

People need to own up to their own fucking issues and stop justifying their behavior with petty excuses like, “I can’t control myself.” Yes you can, and you choose not to. I have the utmost respect for a fat person who can stuff their face, stand tall and admit, “I like to fucking eat, and I will reap the consequences, thank you very much!” For those of you who can’t make this realization, stop asking for diet menus, special exemptions, and nutritional information on your Big Macs. Face it, you know the salads going to be better for you, but you don’t want that fucking salad, now do you, Tubby? Stop eating or stop bitching…I can’t deal with both.

Let's not pussy-foot around this...

There are times when tact and dignity are cornerstones in negotiation, as without them the conclusions reached may appear to be coerced or needlessly forceful. Also, however, there are times when you lend 700 billion dollars to a conglomerate of ungrateful, useless pricks, expecting them to stick to their word and fix the current mess, when in actuality they seem to have been spending the last three months slowly feeding the money, bill by bill, into a garbage disposal while shitting all over the American taxpayers and any sense of worth they still have. It's times like these it's neccesary to drop the gloves and be a little more forceful when asking the question; "Hey, you know that boatload of cash we lent you? Where in the fuck is it, you douche-nibbling ass-bags?!" Because, the situation as it stands, (and Jesus Christ does this make me want to hatchet some motherfucker in the balls...) is that every cent of that money is gone and "unaccounted for," and "there's simply nothing we can do about it."

Like shit there's nothing we can do about it! It's our fucking money...and apparently the federal government doesn't seem to realize how astronomical the number 700 billion is; I don't even know how many damn zeros go in that! "Unaccounted for" is also a stupid fucking term to use in any situation where the item in question IS accounted for. I know where the money is...pick me! Pick me! It went into bonus checks for the lousy dick-mongers who fucked shit up last year, because it's just too damn obvious they're working harder than the rest of us. Give me a fucking break...how difficult would it be to simply take their bonuses? We could take their cars, sell their children, there's no end to the expensive shit these assholes surround themselves with, and maybe we should stop being such pussies and actually stand up to the bullies making life Hell for the rest of us.

I don't understand why I'm supposed to feel such pity for some CEO who's getting his salary capped at 500 grand a year anyway, when I don't make dick. In fact, even at such a "modest" pay rate, I still think these greed ridden, self centered pigs deserve to be shot in the teeth for making so much money, losing so much for us, then acting indignant when we question their extravagant lifestyles. The federal government apparently is composed of snivelling little girls though, and will never take a stand, which is, in turn going to lead to our becoming fed up and taking care of this situation on our own. Luckily for everyone, I have a plan, and not only will it return the money to it's rightful owners, but it'll provide some entertainment as well: Woodchippers.

I'm assuming that during the French revolution, guillotines were only used due to a lack of modern technology. We need something that allows for gorier, more painful punishments suited to the pricks on the recieving end. Modern times allow us the luxury of sitting back, pressing a button, and watching these pompous jackasses that got us into this mess slowly reduced to a pulp, Fargo-style. It'll no doubt stimulate the economy as well through ticket sales, industrial labor, and a sense of overall well-being after having ceased the constant anal reaming we've been experiencing for the last eight years.

Unless you're getting some serious compensation from these cock-heads, it's hard to imagine justifying their societal worth. I for one, am not, and I know for damn sure that very few of my friends and acquaintances are either. Think of it this way: it's not murder, just cleaning up a very sloppy mess.