It's a relationship, not a Lifetime movie...

Relationship double standards:

1. When my girlfriend kisses another girl, it's considered arousing and, in some circles, socially acceptable. When I kiss another girl people go ahead and call it cheating, even if I for one considered it to be a pleasant experience. What kind of bullshit is this?

2. Pet names. I've been called everything from "Shmuffins" to "Silly-Bear," yet when I develop my own terms of endearment, they're shot down, and even considered offensive. I, personally, find it important to come up with a cutesy name that best embodies the character of my mate at the time; I can't understand what's so thoughtless about, "Hey, Dick-Lips, could you grab me another beer?"

3. It's apparently not distracting and mildly annoying when she yells my name during sex, but all the sudden when I do it I'm a narcissist? I like the sound of my own name and it's easier to remember than someone else's. Besides, it's sort of a self-coaching thing. Fuck off and mind your own business. I'm trying to make love here.

4. The classic smoking argument; "You smell like cigarettes and that bothers me." Shut, up whore. You smell like cheap perfume, and there's nothing we can do about that because I don't feel like wasting money on a nice anniversary gift.

5. When she shows up unexpectedly it's supposed to be some kind of adorable surprise, yet when I show up drunk at four a.m. it's thoughtless and disrespectful. Consider my feelings for a minute...What if she caught me at a bad time? I can't be expected to stop masturbating or sneak her best friend out the back door just because Little Miss Insecure is lonely. Relationships are built on privacy and secrets, and both parties need to respect that.

6. Although I've never experienced this first hand, I take particular issue with the whole engagement ring issue. Why is it we are expected to cough up a couple thousand dollars and receive nothing in return save for a life sentence? Commitment is a two-way street. When I pop the question, she'd better have a pair of Prada high-tops waiting for me.

7. Why is it that when she gently punches or jabs me to be "cute," and I respond with a swift uppercut to the jaw, all the sudden I'm an abusive boyfriend. Don't blame me for your soft, ineffective attacks. Take a self defense lesson and fight me like you mean it or don't fight at all.

8. It's particularly irksome when I'm the only one holding my weight when it comes to picking movies. Anything starring Clint Eastwood or Daniel Craig is good, whereas shit movies about weddings and other sappy dog semen with Julia Roberts in them simply are not. If I'm going to show some discerning taste and pick nothing but excessively violent cinematic masterpieces, I expect the same thing in return.