Kill me with a fork before they bring back those pointy Madonna bras

I'm no fashion guru, and I realize this. In fact, my sole intent when leaving the house in the morning is to avoid looking like a jackass. I'm sure there's something to be said for pushing the envelope when it comes to what is, and what is not acceptable; and that something is usually a grotesque dry-heaving noise. I've come to the conclusion that shows like Project Runway and America's Next Top Model are just some bizarre scam masterminded by a truly diabolical asshole who's dying of laughter over the fact these poor naive girls think what they're wearing is, in some way, sexy. I'm here to assure you that if it were, I'd be in a cheap hotel room right now, sharing a cigarette with the bag lady who hangs out in front of our local Goodwill store.

Apparently everything goes full circle, and suddenly Kanye West is dressing like Michael Jackson, while reasonably attractive women are suiting up in what are commonly known as "mom jeans." In Mr. West's defense, if you've heard Thriller and weren't inappropriately touched as a child, you still have some respect for ol' paleface...Nobody respects a woman who can't locate her own damn bellybutton and realize that the jeans should end a good deal below that. Aside from myself, the Red Hot Chile Peppers, and Ghostbusters, very little of value came from the '80s, and it should be maintained as an unconditional law that the fashion trends of that era, aside from pastel colored high tops, are never to be repeated.

Aside from the technical advantages of a girl who's jeans don't have to be tugged on for a solid hour until what may be the waistline is accessible, there's another huge upside: They don't make her appear to have the torso of a deformed midget with a shelf for an ass. The great thing about looking normal is that it works, regardless of the decade in which you live. High rise jeans are reserved for two types of people: Old men who wear Reindeer ties at Christmastime, and fugly bitches who nobody wants to sleep with anyway.

Below is a quick high vs. low jeans comparison exercise for the male portion of my readers. Try masturbating to both images in order to develop an understanding of what, exactly, is wrong with this picture. Unless you're a very impressionably and imaginative person, neither image will really be enough, but with Image B, the difference lies in the fact you'll find yourself violently projectile vomiting within the first two minutes, experiencing flashbacks of your old day-care provider.

I used to think gay males really had their fingers on the pulse of the fashion world, but with this new development, I must retract that opinion. It's maddening watching these poor, hot girls being forced into outfits which will undoubtedly make them look like middle aged housewives...Shameless, really. From here on out, let's leave decent fashion to the only demographic who really seem to understand: Guys who'd prefer to sleep with attractive girls. As for the girls who agree with me and refuse to cave to pathetic trends, I'm eternally grateful. Here's to keeping my wet dreams about you and not my fallback, Zack Efron.