Life's too short for taxes:

So I'm not sure how the logistics of this scheme would ever smooth themselves out, but here goes: Everyone realizes there are certain aspects of the world which simply do not belong, and others we don't run across on a daily basis, but really ought to. Here's my proposal to turn the tides, replace the bad with the good, and make life a little less hellish for all of us...

1. We'd replace NASCAR with giant, stadium confined sand-sculpture building contests. We'd replace the tracks with that perfect, kind of wet (but not too soggy) sand and the grass in the middle would be a lawn chair sitting area. The only rule would be one prohibiting people from getting all preachy by depicting the crucifixion or Reagan's communism speech.

2. Replace television with sex. It's been statistically proven that couples with a TV in their bedroom have a significantly less active sex life. These are the same people who grow old too soon, lose any motivation and have stale, lifeless marriages. When taking the proper precautions, sex is probably the healthiest thing you could do that feels that incredible, and it seems almost unfair to compare it to a repeat of "The Hills."

3. Cops would be replaced with baby panda bears. This one makes all too much sense on so many levels. Primarily, pandas are an endangered species, but if we were to have an abundance of them as we do police officers, abuse of power and police brutality would go down, whereas panda cuddling and adorable camera-phone pictures would skyrocket. Cops already bring down the national average with their poor reasoning skills, low IQs, and inability to communicate in a manner that doesn't come off as dickesh; What are we doing giving them all these second chances? It used to be, if you couldn't effectively pass school, and failed to acquire any remote sign of a sense of humor by 18, you got to be a septic tank cleaner. Get you're fucking scrub brush, Officer Opie.

4. Good-n-Plenty could replace taxes, and those Good-n-Plenty candies would also serve as effective, harmless, morning after pills. Once a month or so, the government would send us large boxes of Good-n-Plenty, in an inherently flawed, useless, but very pleasant approach to an economic stimulus.

5. Venereal diseases would be replaced by mutant powers (but only cool ones like super-strength and an ability to shoot lightning with your mind.) This, coupled with number four, would make condoms obsolete, and we'd never have to deal with that uncomfortable bullshit, or see a Trojan Man ad again.

6. Rednecks would be replaced by blind, autistic, paraplegics with cerebral palsy, only because they'd contribute more to society.

7. While we're at it, let's replace Bill O'Reilly with a dismembered goat...He is such a mega-douche it no longer even makes me laugh, and I think the goat would be more insightful and willing to listen to the views of others.

8. Bluetooth headsets would be replaced with something that isn't entirely douchey and lame.

9. Replace texting with letter writing. It's a revolutionary new concept which hasn't really taken off quite yet, but ought to. The biggest upside, is that in writing a letter, one is usually inclined to feel like a mouth breathing, lion-poking dickslurp when they turn even the simplest phrases into acronyms and fail to employ a period, comma, or any other expected punctuation mark for the duration of the piece. "WNIEGAINFC!" That one stands for, "We're not in eighth grade and it's not fucking cute!"

10. Replace the term "love" with "hobo chlamydia dick-sneeze." People are too quick to use "love" to describe their feelings, and it's damn near desensitized the word. I don't think folks would be so cavalier about it if pouring your heart out came off as, "Darling, I can't deny my hobo chlamydia dick-sneeze for you any longer!"

If you hobo chlamydia dick-sneezed this piece, don't bother trying to leave a comment, as much like Bloomberg, Carter, and Lincoln in the past, Blogspot is fuckin' up. I wish I could replace them with a website that functions.