This music truly blows:

Were the following groups and performers not to exist, the world would be a far more tolerable place. Unlike performers such as Flo Rida, Journey, and The Monkees, with their own brands of incomprehensible, lovable weirdness, these ten are in serious violation of a human being's God-given right to avoid unjust suffering. Some are known for just one song, whereas some possess vast catalogues of mind numbing, spirit crushing shit to draw from. Below, I've listed (in descending order,) each band, some background information (as I see necessary,) and one of the many things I'd rather be doing than listening to their particular brand of dick-smelling cacophony: 10. Randy Newman- If a clown’s penis had vocal chords and a sore throat, this is what it’s singing would sound like. Mr. Newman likes to play songs about friendship, America, and anything the Disney corporation pays him to, as he kissed his dignity goodbye years ago. I’d rather stay at a timeshare in Utah.

9. Smashmouth- If you haven’t suffered through Smashmouth yet, you’re a lucky individual, and I’ll try not to ruin that with details or song titles. Long story short, if I wanted a sweating, fat douche bag to give me the musical rendition of a cheap motivational speech, I’d pay the guy at the bowling alley. I’d rather watch 10 consecutive episodes of The Hills than grit my teeth through another Smashmouth album.

8. Toby Keith- You know...he wrote that song about 9/11, revenge, and all those dang “rag-heads.” You’re probably wondering where my issue would lie with a stubborn, hatemongering redneck who can’t distinguish between the multitude of separate middle-eastern cultures. Call it a whim I guess, but he’s a NASCAR loving prick and I don’t like him. I’d rather be kicked in the scrotum repeatedly by Kenny Rogers in the middle of a trailer park somewhere.

7. Billy Ray Cyrus- Billy is one of the few to popularize the well-kempt, unapologetic mullet. He looks like less of a rock star than a bass-fishing, father raping miscreant from Hell. His daughter is the notorious Hannah Montana, and his entire family is a perfect argument for the necessity of people-sized ovens. I’d rather be strangling Miley Cyrus over the sink of a dirty truck stop bathroom than listening to Billy Ray Cyrus’s monotonous white trash horse shit.

6. Creed- Vomit...What an inappropriately weird voice. I was actually invited to a Creed concert once and politely explained that I’d be busy gouging my eyes out with a plastic fork. Incidentally, this is what I would have rather been doing.

5. ABBA- If I were to make a list of the ten worst songs, “Dancing Queen,” by ABBA would most likely take the number three spot. Numbers one and two would probably be songs by ABBA as well. I’d rather spend three months in the Guantanamo Bay detention center, being alternately water-boarded and sodomized. 4. Barbara Streisand- It’s funny, most terrible female musicians have one thing in common: They’re hot. This is usually because a sleazy agent convinced them at some point that they were unique and talented, as a ploy to get in their pants. Barbara’s agent must have been blind and deaf. I’d prefer having a naked Woody Allen whine at me through a loudspeaker in a cramped kitchen than ever have to listen to that large-nosed bitch again.

3. Enya- I wasn’t familiar with the musician herself, but did a lyrics search on that shitty “Who can say Where the Road Goes” song they play during commercials for “special” episodes of FRIENDS, and Party of Five. Turns out she sings it, and when I listen and close my eyes I’m bombarded with images of sobbing middle-aged housewives hugging one another on Lifetime TV as estrogen spews from the sprinkler system. I would really just rather be dead.

2. Insane Clown Posse- The only thing surprising about this is the fact they aren’t number one. Insane Clown Posse is so excruciatingly bad on so many levels, it’s really impossible to put into words the nature of the group‘s shittiness. I’d rather attend every stop on a world tour featuring the eight groups and performers listed above than sit through an ICP show, and I’d pry my own teeth out with pliers before putting on one of their T shirts.

1. Trans Siberian Orchestra- FUCK Trans Siberian Orchestra! Jesus! Jesus! FUCK! Who came up with this awful bullshit!? Look them up...I can’t explain in words other than a stream of incoherent obscenities. Tacky, douchey, insufferably dick hattish...there is no way to do these rim-licking Fabio-haired ass-mongers justice through conventional foul language. I’d rather have a three way with Rosey O’Donnell and Whoopi Goldberg without closing my eyes than listen to this “Christmas meets Daft Punk and a bad Yanni cover-band” bullshit. Even potheads aren’t stupid enough to think this spacey ass-vomit has a redeeming quality. If the album cover below doesn’t say more than enough about Trans Siberian Orchestra, this should: From time to time, definitive proof shows up that some people should really just be burnt alive in pits while others watch.