To "The Man,"If theres one thing I hate more than losing at shit, it's the sore winner on the other end. So each time I see one of the many false or exagerated anti-weed commericals where some kid's stealing from their little sibling or smashing up an ATM to score a fix of that good ol' THC, I want to shoot someone for being such a melodramatic dickstain. We've been through this before if you can't recall, and guess what guys? You fucking won. Laws were passed, restrictions were placed, and now weed is more illegal in most states than rape or manslaughter (if you don't believe me, look it up; The average rapist will spend between 8 and 15 years in prison, while a small time dealer is likely to face up to 30 in a federal penitentiary.) Now don't get me wrong; I see the similarity between smoking a joint and violently penetrating a stranger against their will (causing emotional trauma for decades to come,) but that's not the point. The point is, you've gotten your way and you don't need to be rude about it.
Smoking weed already has a social stigma attached, and carries greater risk every day. With an ever-intensifying war on drugs, we're forced to hide in dark corners to enjoy our little vice, we can't let our employers or family know, and unlike your precious "neccesities" like bad music and shitty home decorations, we can't just go to Wal-Mart to buy the stuff. As if that's not enough, now all of the sudden you're picking on us for being cordial hosts? That, at least, appears to be the message conveyed in commericals promoting resistance to peer pressure. Nobodies pressuring anyone, dicks. If I or a friend have weed, it's customary to offer this to our guests. We're not snickering behind their backs over the fact we've just ruined their lives, we're saying, "Here. This is something I rather enjoy, and because I like you as a friend, I want you to enjoy it with me!" If the guest feels uncomfortable or pressured, and has trouble saying no, it's most likely because they're uncomfortable with themselves and don't realize how laid back and okay with that we'd be...Or because they'd really like to try it, but were fed a pile of bullshit by their parents and the news media about the severe turn it will cause their life to take.
Peer pressure just covers for the fact that alot of kids are spineless little piss-ons that can't make thair own decisions, so when their parents catch them high, they cry like bitches and blabber out a roster of all their friends that "pressured them to do it" rather than manning up with a good solid response like "Don't be such a buzzkill old man, I'm trying to watch Sanford and Son...And get me a bag of funions cause I'm fuckin' out!" There are alot of awful things your kids could get into, (i.e. death metal, Magic the Gathering, Japanese animation...) so you should be thanking God they chose weed. This puts them in a positive crowd that likes good music, fun movies, and (for the most part) is avidly opposed to violence. Why aren't these other threats being addressed rather than weed? My guess would be because the average IQ in the US is somewhere around 95 (that's not actually a good thing.) Here a few commercials you don't see, but probably should:
#1 (A 30-something year old man is sitting at his computer staring vacantly at the screen, in a room cluttered with old action figures and Lord of the Rings memorabilia...)
Man: Mom, Dad...Thanks for letting me buy World of Warcraft, rather than kicking my ass and making me go play outside like good parents. It's been twenty years and I'm a lonely virgin who masturbates to cartoon fantasy porn.
Voiceover: Talk to your kids about not being pathetic before it's too late.
#2 (A 14 year old girl is sitting in the waiting rom at the doctor's office with her very own baby...)
Girl: Thanks, unrealistic, conservative Christian values. Because of you, I kept this baby that I'm completely unprepared to take care of, and in the process, ruined my life.
#3 (Several dickish looking middle-aged couples are sitting around, listening to Kenny G and drinking boxed White Zinfandel. They're all wearing matching fleece pullovers from L.L.Bean and talking about which cheese is more "worldly," Gouda or Brioche?)
Voiceover: Warn your kids about growing up to be a douche.
Long story short, you're all assholes. If you haven't noticed, this country blows hard enough as it is. There isn't shit to do, we're surrounded by self righteuous pricks, and everywhere you turn, there's a McDonalds or a Burger King (both of which suck.) Unless it's your intention to see how miserable you can make us before every decent member of the populace blows their brains out, just quit while you're ahead. Anyone who's done anything half decent for the shithole we call America, be it comedy, music, art or literature, smoked alot of weed to do it, and we turn around like ungrateful fuckers and condemn them for it. Blow me jerkoffs...Life sucks because of you.
Sincerely yours,
-Ian
0 comments:
Post a Comment