Hey Subway: Die.

Thank fucking Christ…Five Dollar Foot-longs are back at Subway. Or so say the commercials, and I’m inclined to believe everything the all-knowing television spews at me. First, I don’t care, and second, when in the Hell were they not available? They’ve been raping my brain with those God-awful commercials for what now feels like decades, and I can’t recall a point at which I wasn’t having some Asian girl or a crew of tone-deaf construction workers singing to me that, “yes, in fact, I CAN get a foot-long sub for only five dollars.”

Fuck you Subway. Your shits boring and flavorless, and your employees are stingy as shit when it comes to toppings. Not to mention you’re a bunch of douchey liars. Ever notice that when the calorie content is listed, it “excludes” in fine print cheese, sauces, and certain toppings…The thing is, when I go out from time to time, I like to treat myself to things like, say, a slice of cheese at least, and when you don’t list that as a standard feature of the sandwich, it’s called a “dick move.” Stop advertising how healthy your shit is… that’s not why I fucking go out to eat, and there’s no way I’m eating your fat-free anal leakage potato chips (no, I’m not just describing the way they taste, they CAUSE anal leakage…Shouldn’t that be fucking illegal?”

When I go to Burger King or Taco Bell, no doubt, there are a decent number of fat fuckers, but I can also find average, healthy looking people who maybe just had a craving for some fries or a nacho platter. If Subway’s patrons all looked liked Brad Pitt, I’d assume there was something highly effective about their “low-carb” menu options, but guess what? Just as many fat-asses! Probably because, no matter how inexpensive, a foot-long ham sandwich doesn’t make for a healthy mid-afternoon snack. Anyway, I’ll have nothing to do with those scheming pricks… I can get twice as much food at Taco Bell for under two dollars (and there’s nothing in this world like authentic, down-home Mexican.)