It's becoming increasingly apparent that the folks in charge know what to do with the plummeting economy about as much as Toby Keith knows what to do with a picture-less book. Now I'm no economist, but I seem to have picked up on an oversight; America's claim to fame, primarily, is that we have no labor, natural resources, or innovative qualities to offer anyone. For this reason, we import everything (only after we've had poor, third world nations build it all for us.) I'm assuming, however, the fucko that came up with this scheme has never been to Utah. Our country is full of states that emulate third world nations in economy, senseless violence, and the number of goat-fucking religious zealots that oppose anything resembling a useful education. So why cross an ocean when we don't have to? In order to increase production and profits (not to mention rid ourselves of the minefield of turds in the gene-pool,) I suggest we fence off and disconnect a select few states from the union. We could sell them to other third world nations and multinational corporations, or just use them for nuclear testing and their citizens for menial labor. Here's the proposed list:

Alaska: Fuck Alaska. It has nothing to offer us that Canada doesn't already have, besides more angry rednecks with guns and a "fuck you and your poor sick grandmother" approach to healthcare. Does anybody remember how they tried to have a bridge built to a remote frozen chunk of bull-shit in the Pacific because there was a landing strip there? If that qualifies as a booming metropolis, I want an Ikea in my back yard. Give me a God damned break; Alaska had their chance...they blew it with Sarah Palin and her husband (proof that eskimos aren't really a race worth meeting.)

Utah: As I mentioned earlier, Utah blows. I'm sure I've said this before, but Mormons make Gary Busey look smart...I would become a Scientologist before listening to some bull-shit asshole as he explains that, "no, we can't see the golden tablets he found because God made him throw them out after transcribing the racist dog puke they contained." God hated Joseph Smith for being such a douche-hole, and for this reason, he made sure his state was the saddest, least appealing tract of bum-fuck nowhere a human could imagine.

North and South Dakota: I really don't know all that much about these two...I'd prefer to maintain this pleasant ignorance. It's cold as fuck up there, and I'm not a bear, moose, fat person, or any other species equipped to handle such God-awful misery. We could probably sell them to Canada for use as a prison colony.

Virginia: So gun fanatics everywhere try and cleverly break down MY argument by pointing out that Washington DC has the strictest gun control laws in the nation, yet an abnormally high rate of gun violence. Theres one reason for this: DC borders Virginia, and over there, they'd probably sell a drunken pedophile having an epileptic fit a handgun. If you don't believe me, check out the store, Full Metal Jacket; Yes it's named after the movie, and yes it's just as emotionally jarring. I don't know why people remain hung-up on the bull-shit lie that West Virginia is some sort of redneck home base as opposed to it's eastern relative. During the Civil War, West Virginia seceded from Virginia in order to remain with the Union, and usually when it comes to slavery, the folks that are fighting FOR it are the rednecks. (If you're one of the jackasses who doesn't feel the civil war was really about slavery, shut the Hell up. Yes, it may have been one of the many "details" leading to the conflict, but if you were some prick's property at the time, you'd see it as a little more than a "minor" issue.

Kansas: Kansas is unique in the fact that their schoolboard seems adamantly opposed to education. Aside from this, I'm not a fan of religion, folksy bull-shit, inbreeding, racial intolerance, or rural crap of any sort. Where some might see "quaint," I see "hideous pathetic backwoods squalor," and wonder if there's a bar nearby that I can get something besides Busch and ciphalis. The answer is no.

Alabama: Worthless, fucking worthless. Lynyrd Skynyrd blows, the song "Sweet Home Alabama" blows and only pathetic, monosyllabic redneck douche-bags enjoy it. That worthless hellscape ought to be fenced off so its inhabitants can fritter away the remainder of their days shooting one another and worshipping an intolerant, minority-hating Christ.

Texas: Texas should be firebombed severely and with more vigor than was displayed in the World War II attacks on London and Dresden combined. This goes without saying...Texas IS the Thunderdome, and we can't let that remain in case of an apocalypse.